#3: March was long and tiring, but I survived.. I think?
Sorry Sylvia Plath. I was not "caught up, rested and human" during this month..
I write this while Iām studying for a final tomorrow. My finals end on the 6th of this month, but I was convinced I would not get myself to write it by then, because I would have thrown myself into my new found freedom (disregarding the fact that it lasts till the end of May) and be free. But, Iām feeling a lot and I need to let it out somewhere and Iāve been in therapy long enough to know that bottling up your feelings is not good.
So, this is my attempt at understanding my feelings around leaving college, stepping into work and what lies ahead of me (see how I didnāt say ārationalize my feelingsā).
This college has been a safe-space for me, despite it being so violently Christian in ideologies, rules and other things. My professors are the sweetest people you will meet ā theyāve really set the standard for how people should be behaving. I know this is a lot to ask (because asking people to behave decently is apparently a lot to ask) and expect, you all know that I think itās fucking lunatic that we cannot expect people to be nice (āThis is how the real world works!ā and it SHOULDNāT WORK THE WAY IT IS WORKING!!).
I entered this institution with sky-high expectations, mostly because I dropped out of another that wasnāt good for me. Itās hard to rationalize or figure out the jump from one institution to another: most people usually end up straying away and doing everything else but re-joining an academic institution (for the most part, at least). My father did kindly suggest I take up learning Korean full time, but I was dead set on getting my Masterās anyhow ā and now, Iām at the very end of this two year journey, and Iām going to get it.
Itās crazy! Because I was sure I was going to drop out of here too. But the reason I persevered is because this institution taught me more about myself than any other formal educational setting did ā and that says a lot. I hardly care for authority figures. If anything, I have been (and in many ways continue to be) the embodiment of this Tumblr post:
This is how I survived school; especially high school, because at one point I thought that, as a teacher, if you allow students to continue bullying someone, I will lose respect. You canāt possibly stay silent when someone is getting bullied to hell and back, but apparently my teachers could. So the bar was already in the toilet, in the third ring of hell, when I started undergrad in 2017 and remained there until 2022, when I started my Masterās degree.
Since 2022, there has been tremendous change in not just the way I see the people around me, but also in the way I see myself. Talking to people, realizing things, learning things.. it really shifted something in me. The classmates I was with mattered, because along with me, they changed too. I wasnāt the only one metamorphizing into someone my 16 year old self would be so proud of.
This is an area of my life that I never accounted for ā I have to be honest, I never thought Iād make it past 18. Every year Iāve lived since then has been lived in astonishment of the person Iāve become (and becoming, because this is a process). I spent years thinking I wasnāt capable of making friends, but every year since 2017 has proved me wrong. The nail in the coffin of this assumption was in 2022, when I realized, I can make friends and my social awkwardness/awkwardness around people in general just requires gentle nudging towards not assuming the worst.
Any time I presented a professor (only from my department) in this college with a āBut how come?ā question, I was met with actual understanding of where I was coming from. No yelling, no saying, āItās just the way it isā with a cocky shoulder shrug; but an actual care and curiosity mixed with the same firmness of a professor to understand and answer my questions.
My inner child was happy because she was met with teachers who seemed to take into account what I was asking, not putting me into a time-out zone because I was āweirdā or ālazy, but has potential.ā
My professors actually never got mad at me when I questioned a senior biotechnology professor on her misogynistic stance, or when I repeatedly argue with other professors from other departments for being unkind and taking our classroom for their students (they have a WHOLE BLOCK by the way. Our classrooms are small huts wedged between two science blocks, hidden in plain sight).
The reason this is all so important to me is because Iām going to be working as a teacher for children aged between 3 to 6 from June. I want to be a good, responsible adult in these childrenās lives; a teacher they can come and sing their favorite song to, tell me how they feel, or just say anything, because I know what itās like to grow up around very shitty adults who take up teaching jobs. Very Shitty Adults shape your life up in the worst ways possible, and coming out of that is so difficult. Children should be around nurturing people, who care for them: not TOLERATE them.
Iām going to miss this space. But if anything, Iām going to carry the safeness, the care and the nurture it gave me and give it to the kids Iāll be taking care of. Iām sad itās going to be over, but itās like the lyric from Closing Time by Semisonic: āEvery new beginning comes from some other beginnings end,ā and Iām going to make a beginning for myself from this ending that will remind me of all that Iāve learnt.
Loss in all forms is difficult ā but I can come to terms with it because I learnt to continue being kind despite how harsh people/things can get. I am capable of love, as I learnt through these two years. Iām not as walled off as I used to be.
This stubborn heart has loved, will love and will continue to love (and will be loved, as well).
Hereās a photodump from March:
My first proper moon picture!
Gorgeous.
Anyway. I have to go study. I have studied, but Iām afraid Iāll forget a major part of Anna Karenina.
As always, be safe, be kind to each other and PLEASE DRINK WATER!
Itās spring. I hope we all bloom into people we want to be. :)
~ The Little Cat.
One of my cousins was a teacher for a few years, until she had kids. Then she switched gears and homeschooled them. Her oldest started her university journey last year, I believe.
Anyway, good luck with your final finals and your soon to begin teaching career! I agree that the younglings need trusted adults to support and nurture them, especially now!